telling myself this is what i'm known for doing.... quiting.
i shouldn't quit all that i start.

anyway,
so i have two days until my ass is offically the military's property.
I already signed up and they have copies of my birth certificate as well as my mom's citizenship naturalization papers (because my mother's from Philippines).
I forgot two names on my Friends List. But I figure it's not that important.
I just have to remember that when I get interviewed I have to forget I ever knew those two people. that knew me over 7 years, or tell them it slipped my mind because I usually don't put them on my reference list.

so Sunday evening the Navy deeper will pick me up from my residence location (my home) and take me to the hotel where i will share a room with other female military recruits.
I'll have free dinner and breakfast and spend the night tehre as well... yeah, duh.
But after breakfast there's drug testing and other medical testing to make sure i'm medically okay for the military, especially healthy enough to attend boot camp.
They will test me to see what job would best suit me. Give me choices and I'll give them a list of three possible place I want to be stationed for my first post.
There are three naval bases in Japan. So there you go.




So, I am scared, nervous, excited and sad about leaving for the Navy (possibly going to Japan for several months). Boot camp is the least of my worries... I'm just afraid that I'll pass out or something. I've been in college long enough that I've been spending much of my time playing, working, attending class and studying to go to the gym or run a few laps more than once or twice a week.
So tomorrow I'll try to go to the gym and Saturday also.... or just Saturday.
Sunday I'm spending packing for boot camp just in case they fly me to boot camp in a couple of weeks.
Just the start of packing up.
If I don't go to boot camp until June or later than I'll be cleaning my room and packing clothes for boot camp and Japan... or whatever they station me.

I'm afraid because I won't know anyone whereever I go.
I'm afraid because if I go to Japan I'll be in a place thousands of miles from where my heart and my home is.
I'll be surrounded by people speaking Japanese. And as far as I've tried, Japanese is a hard language to acquire.

I'm scared that the navy may station me in same crazy ass place where I never wanted to go. Even though the recruiter told me that 9.5 times out of 10 i'll be flying to Japan and living and working there.

I'm excited because I'll finally get to have more of a selection for potential mates (boyfriends or whatever) I've always wanted to date someone half Japanese. I tried it once and I always liked it and kept it in mind.
This time it will be different though. I'll make friends and get to know them first before I jump into a serious relationship with them... think of it this way.... whether i jump in initially or much later... love is and will always be complicated as well as a pain in the ass.
Never just paradise. Never just sex and great converstaion.
There will be tears and possibly blood shed.
There will be light after dark.

I wish everyone luck in whatever they do and in making the right decisions.
I believe this is the best decision I've made in my whole life.
I wish everyone happiness wherever they go and fortune with whoever they are with.
I don't wanna stay here in Houston and wait for something to happen.
I don't wanna waste my mom's money anymore (now my dad's working, i'm just not used to saying its also his money).
I'm going to miss my family.
I'm going to miss my friends.
I'm going to miss my home, my car, my cats...
I won't miss the bullshit that goes along with living in the same place forever.


I'm listening to a song I used to sing when I was a child.... singing karaoke for my grandma and uncles/aunts. Maruah Carey - Forever

Do you remember being a little person looking up at everyone with innocent eyes?
Do you remember when a love between you anyone else was just a daydream?
Do you remember when your father held your small hand and led you through the grocery store? (in my case the local dollar stores)
Do you remember being excited about doing something for the very first time?
Looking down upon a child's face for the first time?
Hurting someone you love for the first time?
a time where a kiss on the cheek meant so much to you?
Do you remember when you broke your first heart?
Do you remember when you first got your heart broken?
Do you remember dancing with your father at a celebration?

I'm trying to fight the tears.
I haven't even left yet and I'm already ripping apart.

I know this is old... but I'm too tired to write what all happened when I worked security for Anime Matsuri 2007 and helped PantherProwl for moving his stuff...




-------------April 25 2007
I'm cleaning my room, taking care of two kittens, doing school work and packing for the anime convention today...
i've got an oral presentation to do on monday as well as my 4th Exam for Psychology...
no work this weekend because my lot is under construction....
I'll be working anime convention security from Friday through Sunday for Anime Matsuri @ George R. Brown convention center in Houston,TX.
At the same time I'll be getting stuff ready for school (it's the end of the semester so things are a little hectic)...
and I'll be helping my boyfriend Steven V. Gonzales with his artist table in the artist alley at the convention in the evenings.
meow
gotta go and stuff....


This was earlier today....
[01:22] starkitten121: i'm about half way done with the arrangement tonight
[01:23] starkitten121: ... so i'll be in bed by 3am, and up again at 9am... so i can get to work and go to class and after class i gotta see tanya about the ears and tails... and my dress...
[01:24] starkitten121: then back home to finish up work and pack
[01:24] starkitten121: then back to bed at 3am and up again at 9am to get ready for load in...
[02:11] starkitten121: i got caught up in making lunch for my parents tomorrow. ttyl ~_*
[04:38] starkitten121: i sleep now.... well, after i eat something, i starve
[11:53] starkitten121: kitties are very annoying -_- cute, but require too mjch attention
[11:55] starkitten121: see you tomorrow night. i cant wait

i've been dating PantherProwl for about a month now...
i'm getting behind in college work due to the poor prioritizing ^_^
Steve Gonzales is PantherProwl.
we've met officially at Shiokazecon @ the Hyatt hotel in Downtown Houston... i asked him to illustrate a full body portrait of me wearing a chinese dress.
in high school i'm well known for changing my hair color often. I think my hair was green longest though... or some shade of red/brown.
at Oni-con 2006 i wore a moogle hat and had green hair. PantherProwl was exhausted that sunday, the stress of having a table at the artist alley all weekend, he politely asked me if he could use my water for his cat eye contacts and i let him... what am i supposed to say i admired his artwork and manly catboy-ness.
well, my ex (Clint Cunningham) told me about the security opportunity for a small anime convention in austin...
he was working that convention under Andrew Quill and Doc. I was to work under him... if i wanted to attend a convention with no fees except extra food and whatever i wished to purchase in the artist alley or dealers room.
they convinced me it wasn't going to be too hectic, so i volunteered. that's where i was excited to see PantherProwl's name on the list for the Artist Alley... we got there early that Thursday so we ended up helping the regular volunteers making badges. I made HighTower's badge... I made my own badge as well... lol...
anyway, they had me working most of Friday and Saturday... Sunday morning I actually got to sleep a little bit... when I woke up and took a good shower and headed out to see if they needed my help... i helped out with getting them drinks and food for lunch and afterwards PantherProwl invited me to sit behind his table on the bench with him, i sat on the armrest at first... nervous as i always had been around him.
he gave me his business card and i contacted him as soon as i got home from that convention. i had alot of black coffee that night so i could talk to Andrew to keep him awake to drive us all back to houston.
me and PantherProwl met up for our first date at Barnes & Noble on hwy6. the 2nd date was at West Oaks Mall & watched GhostRider... 3rd date was Planet Zero and the park...
... and so on.
he's 29 and i'm 19. but he acts and feels 23-25 to me... and he says I seem 21-23 to him. we love each other and i hope it'll stay this way... and get better.
i feel that the movie "Say Anything" is the story of me and him if we (hypothetically) both went to highschool in the late 80s and were about the same age... only change the kickboxing to drawing and our we are white people instead of him being Spanish-Mexican and me being Filipino-Caucasian.

I know it's all horrible english and bad grammar... but i was writing this at work in a big-"A" hurry.

i went to eat sushi at sushi jin with misty today... we had our usual sushi rolls and chicken teriyaki which came with rice, miso soup and salad.

after that we when to krogers to kill time. and before we ate we played parapara dancing and poppin' music at Planet Zero Anime Center.

Turns out I'll be going to the Philippines in July. I've been waiting for the opportunity since I was a child. My mother's form the Philippines and her mom spoke filipino to me when she was living.
I've grown extra curious of this place over the years...
Im getting the passport done tomorrow, I should have it by the end of March...

we keep on waiting, waiting for the world to change...



tears fall beneath my lids, shiver from the cold air on the skin
it's a feeling within, like being useless yet hopeful
you play that guitar, sounds so beautiful and so sweet
recalling a memory of massaged feet, a bath at night
moonlight upon your face, the sweet scent of lavender
bubbles and water lay upon us as we embraced
memory does trace an outline of your sustained grace
and a tear falls on your wrist, I try to hold it inside
but the pain coincides, i reach for you and you turn away
i am begging you to please stay, now we are apart
alone making art, emotions start to eat away at me
and i bleed, i cry and i don't want to anymore
it's you i adore, it's you i reach out for
in the night when i'm holding my pillow tight
thinking of those nights when we'd hug and sleep
i'd like to move on, i'd like to run, i'd like to be warm
in someone else's arms, far from the storm
the storm i created because i wanted you so bad
perhaps i'd love him a tad, at least something to help
as the pain numbs and dies, and i seldom cry
from being alone, from being cold, lost and confused
felt used, felt soaked in the sorrow, waiting for the sunshine of tomorrow
lost in the love we shared, lost in a time where you used to care
and now i'm gone, and you can't find me even if dared
searching for something special in this black hole
hoping light would find it's way here
hoping the night would be warm again
as i wait i grab hold of a friend
the end is near for you and i... as i vow my final goodbye
goodbye to you my dark-haired ex-lover
goodbye to you and your almond-shaped eyes
goodbye to your sweet fragrance and kisses
i know i'll miss you forever, but now my heart is sealed

when my fantasies become truth...
only then will this heart of mine quit breaking
i'll be able to truly breathe
see the light of day in your eyes and your smile
taste the sweetness of life through thy lips
feel heaven with your touch on earth
make me feel as cool as ice and at the exact moment also feel as hot as fire
warming my heart like the sun and cooling my frustrations and grief with gentle rains
dreams don't even deceive me
my dream speak to me like reality does
you appear
you say nothing
but your eyes say more than words could ever say
i see an emotion that words could not portray
like dissappointment only not equal
like sorrow only not equivalent
in my fantasy you do not seem real at all
not only because i control what you say and do with my thoughts
but also because i can't feel the aura of your presence
not even a molecule of you
all i have left of you are the gifts you bought me
inexpensive yet meaningful... at least to me
life without you is like coffee without cream
a sleep without rest
a rock show without a mic
cloudy skies without rain
fire without flame
sorrow without tears
being born without a name
a nintendo without a game
i stole something from you
i wish it was your heart instead
i can write with it
but nothing can replace
those words you did not speak
those hands that create and caress
those lips that i once kissed
those feet that once lead me to a place i've never been
and the love we shared created a joy i thought i'd never feel
euphoria of my whole
the light of my world
the integrity of my soul
the warm of my sun
in my vast, empty sky
there aren't clouds in my sky, but there isn't a sun
no moon to howl at in the lonely night
no stars to reach for while immensed in my hope
no venus or mercury,
no airplanes or hot-air balloons
just the dark of night, as if it were night
your presense brought a moon to gaze upon and stars to accompany it
that was when i could smile and those who can see through my eyes they'd know i was in no pain, no worry and pure bliss
you may not understand my joy
you may not believe in my love and trust
and tomorrow is a new day
but no matter how many tomorrows we have
this feeling will never change
this sky will never be lit or filled
my heart will always remain sad and broken
my mind will always be looking through that endless tunnel of grief
my body will always yearn for that soul i will never touch
i will die with the thought of you in my mind
full of pain and regret
sorrow and remorse
you will be left missing what it was you could've had
and you'll never feel whole again
you'll die as empty as i
as empty as this sky in my heart
this tunnel in my mind
you walked on into the distance beyond
and left me behind...